Beberapa hari yang lalu, saya bertemu dengan dia lagi.
Dan saya menyadari sesuatu,
senyumnya masih tetap sama;
menawan dan indah
hanya kini,
tawanya menjadi lebih renyah

***

Berdua Saja

"Ada yang tak sempat tergambarkan oleh kata

Ketika kita berdua

Hanya aku yang bisa bertanya

Mungkinkah kau tahu jawabnya

Malam jadi saksinya

Kita berdua di antara kata yang tak terucap

Berharap waktu membawa keberanian

Untuk datang membawa jawaban

Mungkinkah kita ada kesempatan

Ucapkan janji takkan berpisah selamanya.."

Sekarang giliran kita yang berdua saja.

Ayo, dong, kamu, jangan main petak umpet terus.

Segera ingglokan hati saya.

***

Di bawah langit mendung yang syahdu dan ditemani dengan lagu dari Payung Teduh yang tidak kalah syahdu. Dan juga bersama sebongkah rindu yang ingin diperjuangkan;diakui, dirindu kembali.

***

Payung Teduh - Berdua Saja

ps: model foto di atas adalah Nabilla dan Ridho, teman sekelas saya. Entah siapa yang memotret, foto tersebut tiba-tiba sudah tersimpan di kamera saya. Saya suka ekspresi mereka. Tidakkah kalian juga?

"If there is one thing that should remain, it is obviously me. A new me.

Without pressures, without those damned feelings, and probably with(out) you."

I sometime hate myself for not being honest and considerate.

I mean, screw people.

Happy Birthday, Mom.

Today is my mother's 53rd birthday. And I'll tell something about my little family.

Since my father passed away after fighting his cancer in November 2010, my mother's been working alone. I know when my father left us, my mother was falling apart. She didn't ready yet. Buy we must say, the death came. And neither of us could prevent it--me, my brother and my mother.

Weeks after the death of my father were the hard time for me and my brother but were the hardest time for my mother. And by that time, my brother was about to entering his first year in college, which means, need more money. And my mother's working alone. She cracked her back. She did everything to make us all live until now. And we survive together.

My family is not that rich as Richie Rich. We eat what my mother cooked for us. We live in simpleness. My mother works in a company that makes clothes for a brand in Indonesia. She's the one who wakes up first between me and my brother at 04:00 am everyday. She washes our clothes, does chores, cooks for us, and goes to her office really early. It takes about 2 hours if she doesn't stuck at traffic to get to her office. And she must be at her office at 08:00. A minute late, her salary will be cut. And she will always be the one who comes home late.

This is little me and my mother. Was captured when I was 2 or 3 years old.

My family is not a verbal family. We don't talk. I mean, we talk, we do show our expressions, but in other times, we just don't. Including saying 'happy birthday' to each family members. We don't know if we either too shy--or what--or maybe assuming that silent is as good as gold, I don't know. We don't know.

Like today. My mother's 53rd birthday. Neither of me and my brother say "happy birthday" to my mother. But I remember that today is my mother's birthday. And so does my brother--as well. And it happens not only once. It happens every year. When other family members in others families celebrate their family members' birthdays by having a dinner or party and wish for those who are in birthday frankly--in verbal, my family just don't.

I remember when I was 4 years old, my parent were celebrating my birthday in our house. We invited people (mostly my friends), I cut my birthday cake--with Teletubbies ornaments on it, I wore my best dress--still with that Teletubbies motif. And after that, I haven't celebrated my birthday parties anymore. I don't expect it too much though.

We just don't saying happy birthday. But we know, we do know, that in each our family members' prayers, there are always our names. Real family won't ever let you down and always wish the best for you. And that's what I believe. And I'm not worry. It's just a happy birthday greet. And my family is not a verbal family. I believe my family. I believe my brother. I believe my mother, and I believe my father too as well.

Quoted to William Hakim's dialog to Karla in Forgiven (a novel by Morra Quatro),

"I just can't tell you how much I love you. That's just--way beyond my vocabulary.."

And so do I, Mom. I can't tell you how much I love you because I'm not a verbal person and I know that our family isn't too. And I don't know how to say "Happy birthday. I love you." in front of you without looking so weird.

So I just write. And I promise that one day, I'll say happy birthday in front of you. Making you proud. Give you an achievement I reach, and saying thank you much. Though I know, my thank you(s) won't ever be enough. But I promise. Just wait for me and brother. We will make you proud. No matter what.

Happy birthday, Mom. I love you. So much. I always wish the best for you. In my prays. In my thoughts. In my silent. I may don't talk. But I care. I'm sorry for making you mad these days. I never mean it. Really. I hope you--we had great years ahead and I wish--really wish, that God will let you see me and brother make you proud. And I'd say a thousand amen(s) for that.

Sincerely, with all the love I have,

your one and only non-verbal daughter.

Fall Over Again

Today, 05:19 pm.

I received your email. I was happy. But I didn't think you wanted to keep the conversation going. Your reply was too short. And honestly, I didn't want to end the conversation right away. So I kept replying. Though I knew you wouldn't reply it right away. I knew. I knew. I just don't wanna it to end.

***

"Can't believe we met like this

Is it just coincidence?

I had a feeling I'll be seeing you again."

***

Sunday, February 23, 10:58 am.

I received your first email. Don't ask me how was the euphoria. I felt so happy I could die smiling.

***

"How I wish that I could tell you

It's all in the past

That I was never good at lying."

***

 I was just trying to be honest though.

***

"I don't wanna hear that song again

From the night we first met

I don't wanna hear you whispering

Things I'd rather forget 

I don't wanna look into your eyes

Coz you know what happens next.

We'll be making love and thenI'll fall all over again." 

***

I've been falling too much. Too often. I've been hurt too much. Too often. But why would I  keep wanted to falling?

***

"I think I know the feeling

Coz I once loved you so much

And I swore I'd rather die or

Live a day without your touch."

***

"I don't wanna hear that song again

From the night we first met

I don't wanna hear you whispering

Things I'd rather forget  

I don't wanna look into your eyes 

Coz you know what happens next.  

We'll be making love and then 

I'll fall all over again." 

***

Thank you for making believe in believe again. Thank you for being my inspiration at midnight. Thank you for replying my emails. Thank you for being there--when I have nothing to rely on. Thank you for being considerate about my selfishness. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Please knowing that I am falling in love. *Both* *with you* *and* with every letters on your emails. Write more. Type more. Please. I want to find my self falling in love over and over again.

***

Now playing: Dan Hill - I Fall Over Again

***

Siklus

"In the tremendous sea of faces, we met, gathered then separated."

This is exactly what I feel right now. We're in the same sky, the same earth, the same country, the same land, and one question keeps remaining; why we should get separated?

***