That Back

A drawing with its story written on it. 

Explains enough, doesn't it?

----

No, I don't miss you.

I miss it--my unknown's back.

---

Beberapa hari yang lalu, saya bertemu dengan dia lagi.
Dan saya menyadari sesuatu,
senyumnya masih tetap sama;
menawan dan indah
hanya kini,
tawanya menjadi lebih renyah

***

Berdua Saja

"Ada yang tak sempat tergambarkan oleh kata

Ketika kita berdua

Hanya aku yang bisa bertanya

Mungkinkah kau tahu jawabnya

Malam jadi saksinya

Kita berdua di antara kata yang tak terucap

Berharap waktu membawa keberanian

Untuk datang membawa jawaban

Mungkinkah kita ada kesempatan

Ucapkan janji takkan berpisah selamanya.."

Sekarang giliran kita yang berdua saja.

Ayo, dong, kamu, jangan main petak umpet terus.

Segera ingglokan hati saya.

***

Di bawah langit mendung yang syahdu dan ditemani dengan lagu dari Payung Teduh yang tidak kalah syahdu. Dan juga bersama sebongkah rindu yang ingin diperjuangkan;diakui, dirindu kembali.

***

Payung Teduh - Berdua Saja

ps: model foto di atas adalah Nabilla dan Ridho, teman sekelas saya. Entah siapa yang memotret, foto tersebut tiba-tiba sudah tersimpan di kamera saya. Saya suka ekspresi mereka. Tidakkah kalian juga?

Fall Over Again

Today, 05:19 pm.

I received your email. I was happy. But I didn't think you wanted to keep the conversation going. Your reply was too short. And honestly, I didn't want to end the conversation right away. So I kept replying. Though I knew you wouldn't reply it right away. I knew. I knew. I just don't wanna it to end.

***

"Can't believe we met like this

Is it just coincidence?

I had a feeling I'll be seeing you again."

***

Sunday, February 23, 10:58 am.

I received your first email. Don't ask me how was the euphoria. I felt so happy I could die smiling.

***

"How I wish that I could tell you

It's all in the past

That I was never good at lying."

***

 I was just trying to be honest though.

***

"I don't wanna hear that song again

From the night we first met

I don't wanna hear you whispering

Things I'd rather forget 

I don't wanna look into your eyes

Coz you know what happens next.

We'll be making love and thenI'll fall all over again." 

***

I've been falling too much. Too often. I've been hurt too much. Too often. But why would I  keep wanted to falling?

***

"I think I know the feeling

Coz I once loved you so much

And I swore I'd rather die or

Live a day without your touch."

***

"I don't wanna hear that song again

From the night we first met

I don't wanna hear you whispering

Things I'd rather forget  

I don't wanna look into your eyes 

Coz you know what happens next.  

We'll be making love and then 

I'll fall all over again." 

***

Thank you for making believe in believe again. Thank you for being my inspiration at midnight. Thank you for replying my emails. Thank you for being there--when I have nothing to rely on. Thank you for being considerate about my selfishness. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Please knowing that I am falling in love. *Both* *with you* *and* with every letters on your emails. Write more. Type more. Please. I want to find my self falling in love over and over again.

***

Now playing: Dan Hill - I Fall Over Again

***

Siklus

"In the tremendous sea of faces, we met, gathered then separated."

This is exactly what I feel right now. We're in the same sky, the same earth, the same country, the same land, and one question keeps remaining; why we should get separated?

*** 

Beberapa hari yang lalu saya mengadu kalau saya sedang *ehem* patah hati

Saya bilang kayak ada yang ngganjel. Nyesek. Sakit

Tapi belakangan, beban itu hilang

Saya udah nemu solusinya

Solusinya cuma satu

Merelakan.

Udah, itu aja.

***

Kayak ada yang ngganjel

Nggak paham deh itu apa

Tapi kayaknya sih bakal lama

Soalnya sakit

Banget

Kalau diibaratkan sih, kayak asupan oksigen
di dunia itu terbatas dan
saya harus ngirit supaya bisa
bertahan hidup

Berhasil sih

Tapi nyesek

Ngganjel

Sakit


Ada yang tau obatnya, atau mungkin....solusinya?

***

A friend once told me
if he's gone, he's
not the best
if he's gone, he
doesn't worth to be
loved

Well, I said,
if he's gone,
he will be right
back
if he's gone,
he only needs time
to think;
what mistake he has
done in the past
by liking me

***

A Pathepic Love Story

I once had a love story.

This story was Pathepic. Pathetic and in the same time, it was epic too.

I'll tell you what, my super-ego won. It did the right thing.

"Super-ego--which causes you to feel guilty when you have done something wrong."

I don't know. I might have done something wrong to him--I pushed him too much. I confused him--because now, I feel guilty as fuck.

Maybe.

I don't blame anybody, or anything. Because this story involves nothing. 

A friend once said, "Something instant doesn't make you satisfied. It will hurt you soon. No matter what."

Source: http://theawkwardyeti.com/index.php/tag/foolish-heart/

Am I embarrassing myself too much? Well, if I am, I don't mind. This is love. What do you expect? That broken heart phase is the risk you should take.

Even a Bear can feel that. The power of love always wins.

I really don't know what I was going through lately. Some messages and that is all. My world seemed like falling apart like a meteor crush.

Maybe later. Good things always come for those who wait, right? I have a faith. And I have to wait. It may take forever but I don't care. I once (thought that I) loved you and that's right. I'm okay. And I'll always be okay. Even though it's finally done, forever.

***

Do you know why I called this a Pathepic love story?

It's pathetic. Because it was really pathetic in the beginning. Have you ever felt like you're not worthy for someone so you just step out back from his/her life slowly? Have you? Nah, that's pathetic.

The epic part was, when you're like about to step back, that someone pulled you back. That someone pulled you back to his/her arms. You were back to his/her world. You suddenly felt guilty. You felt like, "Shit. What should I do?" but you at last did nothing and started to feel more comfortable near him/her than before.

It's pathepic because it really is. The combination of two emotions. Two feelings. Two persons. One love whose story needs to be remembered, not to be told.

***

It's pathetic because in the end, we ain't together. It's pathetic because you suddenly changed your mind before I could say yes. It's pathetic because I cried so hard whenever I thought about this. It's pathetic because I didn't have much time to tell you what's my true feeling back then.

It's epic because I felt new. It's epic because you made me feel like I'm worthy for someone like you. It's epic because our story is unforgettable. It's epic because at least I knew you. It's epic because we've made some stories I could write here. It's epic because I've loved you, and knowing that you liked (or even loved) me too.

*** 

Iya, saya terperosok ke dalam lubang dan saya nggak bisa keluar.

Instead of looking for a long rope, I tweeted (and waited) (for you to reply my tweet)

***

ps: Still haven't found the rope and yet my hair is not as long as Rapunzel in Tangled.

If I wrote "I miss you" here, I didn't know exactly for whom it was. It could be my missing cats, my missing books, my childhood, my man; you..,

No. I don't know.

But, I miss you.

I miss you, my unknown.

I miss everything about you which may have never been crossed my mind before. You are unseen. You are untouchable. You are so quiet--you never talked.

But you are thinkable. Though you are unseen, untouchable or whatever, you always come to my mind. Thinking of you has no limits. Thinking of you is a pleasure. Thinking of you makes me could write here again.

Thinking of you makes me alive. Because by thinking of you, my brain still works and so does every part of my body and that means that I am still alive.

Oh, you, my unknown,

If you want to show up yourself, just show it. I love being curious, because I'm a Leo and I could be like Sherlock Holmes* when I'm curious.

But for now, I don't wanna be like Sherlock Holmes. I don't wanna play detective thingy. I don't wanna play hide and seek. I just wanna wait for you until you show up.

Because, you, my unknown, I miss you.

***


* based on @aMrazing tweets about the characters of Leo.

A Post So-Called-A-Love-Letter #2

Actually, this is not a post so-called-a-love-letter. It's a confession. And I warn you, this post gonna be a long post.

Dear you, Another A,

You told me that you've always wanted to be a chef and a train driver. You're so good on computing stuffs. You are good on music, especially reggae music and you can play drum so well. You always take everything simply. You don't afraid of any risks would come if you break the rule. You're tough.

You touched me once. It was Wednesday. The whole of class were talking about a trip to Tidung Island. I was laying my head on my bag while the others talked about the plans. I wasn't that excited so I just listened to them and suddenly we were at the point when my friend said, "We should swim there. We should get our skin tanned!" I can't swim. So I just kept in silent.

Then you came in front of us. Asking, "Are we gonna swim there?" My friend answered, "Of course. It's a beach." You nodded and it happened. We touched. You nudged my arm in front of our friends and said, "I'm a devil fruit user like Sanji. I can't swim." You said it right to my face. After that, you went outside. I found out my self smile. I bet only you and me could understand that short conversation. You know what, after you said that and you went out, I really couldn't help the smile. I laid my head on my bag and as much as possible trying to covered my awkward smile.

That wasn't the only one we touched. It was Friday back then. Right the day before Art Performance at school. I knew you played guitar but I didn't know if you played well or no. I was playing my friend's guitar on the floor. I sang Ten 2 Five's song then you came toward me and sat on the chair above me. You strummed your guitar strings making some melodies and started to sang a song. I giggled. We both played guitar together but in different songs. No longer after you strummed your guitar strings, my friend asked me to give her the guitar I played because she wanted to play too. I gave her the guitar. After she left, I started watching your guitar performance deeply. I smiled. Found out you played guitar in front of me, I meant, for God's sake, there were more empty chairs in class that day but why did you choose to sat in front of me? My heart did tap when you strummed your guitar strings.

Suddenly, you stopped strumming and you asked me, "How's C#m?"

Gosh. My poor heart was beating faster than before.

I explained how to make C#m chord by verbal. I told you to put your fingers on 4th fret and your fingers on 1st string, 2nd string bla, bla, bla. You were trying to make the chord perfectly but you failed. So I grabbed your fingers and put them on the right strings. We touched. See? We touched. It was unexplained. Then you asked me more for B chord. I grabbed your fingers and directed them again. Strangely, you asked me how to make G chord and Am chord.

Wait what? I knew you played guitar but.....why? No, I meant, those were basic chords on guitar. Heck no. I didn't care anymore. I didn't ask you why of course. So I just grabbed and directed your fingers over and over again.

I remember, it was Wednesday but it's the other Wednesday. I don't like fix my long shoelaces so I just let them be. I was on my way to canteen that day. Then I saw you in front of class. You stared at my unfixed shoelaces then you said, "Fix your shoelaces. I don't want you go stumble."

Oh my God.

Don't worry, you. I've already fallen and stumble onto something. I've already fallen in love with you. With those mazes.

***

Dear you, Another A,

I know you won't like me because I, you know, I'm a nerd, not-so-good-looking, I'm clumsy, I don't wear make-up, I dressed up like a homeless, I don't like hangouts, I don't care about people's opinions, and the point is, I'm just not same as girls you have dated.

And I'm not worry.

Sometimes, I do hope that we could be together then I just go, "Lol no, never."

If we couldn't be together, that's okay. At least we had some conversations only you and me could understand. About One Piece--a very popular manga--and how I love chocolates especially Toblerone very much. At least I have taught you how to make some guitar chords perfectly. At least I have a reason why I doing my homework until midnight. At least I have a reason why I write some prose with you as the main idea.

At least you had given me a ride twice. At least you had text me, asking do I come to school or don't--on a heavy rain--and you chose to text me instead of your other friends. At least you have made me smile for these past 6 months.

At least I have a reason to be happy.

Well, Another A, thank you so much. I feel so blessed to have you in my "at least" list.

Sincerely,

Someone who writes much about you.

***

A Post So-Called-A-Love-Letter

Dear someone whom-I-Have-Followed-On-Twitter,

I know this may sound crazy and unfortunately it really is but, I think I'm in love with your rubbish and unrated tweets.

It was Tuesday at 11:52 pm when we first met on a chatroom. We talked about really random stuffs. When I told you that I hadn't been on cinema for 3 years, you looked shocked. Then you asked me what was I doing during those years. I answered, "watching animes, having a life. Hahaha". After that, we didn't talk about cinema stuffs but we talked about another random stuffs.

Oh, I loved this guy.

What? Wasn't it good, when you had a very entertaining conversation at night with a totally random guy you haven't known before and the conversation wasn't bad at all, and the guy really has a GOOD sense of humor? And I've always thought that, "There is nothing more erotic than a good conversation." And I found it in you.

You also begged me to listen to Nicki Minaj's song called Stupid Hoe. You said that the song isn't a song. It's a torture device. I didn't listen to the song on the day you begged me to. I just listened to it on my birthday a week ago. Oh, don't ask me how was the video and the music. It was really a torture device.

The clock was pointed on 01:00 am (I forgot the exactly minutes it was). You said that you were sleepy and you wanted to go to sleep. I said, yeah, take care. I thought you would end the chat right away but you didn't. You asked me if I have a Twitter or no. I said, yeah, I have one. Then you asked my username so you could follow me. I gave you my username. You followed me. And I followed you back. But the conversation wasn't really end. We talked again. This is such a shame because I forgot what were we talking and I felt like, damn, you! How could you forget such a great conversation like that? We kept talking. We kept typing and we kept laughing. No, I kept laughing. I didn't know if my cheesy jokes could make you laugh or didn't. And we were there at the point when you said, "For God's sake, stop typing. I want to go to bed right now!" I smiled. And giggled. You were so funny. So I said okay, take care--and our conversation that night was really end.

***

On the day after, I checked your timeline. I saw your tweets seriously and I found my self laughed. Your tweets were incredibly funny and cool in a classy way. Your tweets were so frank--also perv--but I did enjoy every words of them. I scrolled your timeline even until your first tweet. What a good stalker. Even until now, I always check your timeline whenever I signed my Twitter on.

Dear someone whom-I-Have-Followed-On-Twitter,

No, I won't say that I love you because I don't think I do.
You are a good person, I know, because your tweets show your personality clearly.
No, I won't say that I love you because I mean, "who are you? Do I know you better?"
No, I won't say that I love you because your tweets--which have made me feel that way.

It's all about your tweets. And you, as a guy who created the tweets, I think you are involved onto this most-bizarre-so-called-love-story-but-unfortunately-it-isn't. You created the tweets, and I found myself amazed by reading your tweets, so is it appertained?

Dear someone whom-I-Have-Followed-On-Twitter,

Do you know reasons why I always check your timeline everyday?

First, it's because I'm craving for your tweets. And I could be so cranky when you haven't updated your tweets for a couple of days.

Second, it's because I hope, one day, my name is written on your rubbish and unrated tweets. And I wonder what kind of tweets would be posted if my name was written on them.

Sincerely,

Someone who has followed you on Twitter 51 days ago.

Kotor.

Apa yang diharapkan dari yang kotor seperti ini?
Kebersihan? Atau pembersihan?
Sekalipun ada gerakan perubahan, kali ini tidak akan bersih hanya dalam satu atau dua kedip mata.
Ya sama kayak saya. Hati saya nggak bisa langsung bersih dari kamu. Sekalipun sudah bersih, masih ada sisa-sisa kamu yang berkerak di dasar hati.
Enggak, saya nggak bilang kalau hati saya kotor. Saya juga nggak bilang kalau kamu kotor.
Hati saya cuma penuh. Sumpek. Banyak barang yang tidak tertata yang selalu saya masukkan asal-asalan.
Ruang di hati saya sudah penuh. Makanya saya ingin melakukan pembersihan supaya masih tersisa beberapa ruang untuk ditempati oleh 'kamu lain' yang tepat.
Enggak, saya nggak bilang kalau kamu itu nggak tepat buat saya.
Kamu tepat---

Tapi mungkin, sepertinya, masih ada yang kamu lain yang tepat. Mungkin tidak setepat kamu tapi pasti ada.
Mungkin tidak setepat dan secepat kamu lari ke hati saya.
Tapi pasti ada. Nanti.***

Mungkin kamu lain yang tepat yang sedang saya cari itu masih tetap kamu.

Mungkin saya hanya memberi kesempatan kepada hati saya untuk membersihkan diri sebentar.

Dan begitu hati saya sudah bersih, mungkin satu-satunya kamu yang pulang itu ya memang dan hanya kamu seorang.***

Kurang

 

Ada yang kurang. Iya. Kurang kamu di sebelah saya.

***

"Aku sangat ahli menghindari perasaanku sendiri, kau tahu? bagiku suatu perasaan tidaklah nyata kalau aku menolak merasakannya. perasaan itu tidaklah nyata kalau aku menolak mengakuinya." - Mia Clark

- Sunshine Becomes You; halaman 426. 

Saya sedikit berhasil dalam menjalankan 'misi' ini. 'Misi' melupakan kamu. Saya meyakinkan diri saya sendiri kalau saya akan baik-baik saja. Saya harus keras. Saya harus memaksakan kehendak saya sendiri. Saya harus beranggapan kalau kamu itu bukan siapa-siapa lagi.

Walau hari pertama dalam menjalankan 'misi' ini cukup sulit.

Tapi saya akan berusaha sebisa mungkin. Karena semata-mata saya peduli dan saya tidak ingin hadir di tengah-tengah kebahagiaan orang lain. Apalagi kebahagiaan kamu.

Great Expectations; page 30

Dear someone whose name has a letter Z in it,

I should have understood if I can’t love someone like this.

Secretly, with no sounds, no codes,

I should have known the consequence I may take is I can get hurt, over and over again.

It doesn’t happen once. It has happened more than once.

And I don’t learn from mistakes.

I keep doing this—loving someone secretly.

I’m not bored. In facts, I’m happy.

Because I can watch him from distances and write about him and nobody knows.

Plenty of people know, but at least, he doesn’t know.

Maybe. 

And I wish he didn’t know though.

He had a crush already. And I knew that.

Fuck me. I knew that from earlier, then why did I keep doing this? For God’s sake, I don’t want to ruin your relationship at all!

I’m sorry.

Really.

I admire someone too easily, you know.

If you didn’t give me any attentions, I wouldn’t have loved you like this.

No, I don’t blame you. The one who needs to be blamed here is me.

Too many tears I have shed, and I don’t want ended up like those who feel their lives will be destroyed when they lost someone who they admire.

And I promise I won’t cry.

Because Charles Dickens taught me; I won't cry when I don't want to.

***

Saya tahu seharusnya saya tidak banyak berharap.

Tetapi bagaimana bisa saya menahan sunggingan senyum dan memaksa agar tendangan kecil di hati saya berhenti?

Saya tahu kamu selalu melempar perhatian yang tidak hanya kepada saya.

Tetapi bagaimana bisa saya menahan gejolak yang tidak enak di dalam hati?

Saya tahu kalau saya (mungkin) hanya akan menjadi teman kamu.

Tetapi bagaimana saya bisa menghalau perasaan ‘ingin-lebih-dari-sekadar-teman’ dari dalam hati saya?

Saya tahu seharusnya saya tidak cemburu, tapi…

Oh, sial. Saya benar-benar cemburu.

***

Indirectly

I'm having a crush on someone lately and yes, it is so damn awesome. It would be more awesome if he admires me back. He was older than me. He's about 1 year older than me. Wearing glasses and he's so freaking chubby. Oh my, He's cute. I'm telling you the truth. He is cute. He's just like Bernard Bear. Actually, I didn't think so but my friend whose having thought that he looked like Bernard Bear. And I just agreed.

I've met him around the school. Canteen, osis's room, school's yard, teachers's room or parking. I didn't know that I would have a silly feeling about him. He wears glasses - I told you once again, and I really like someone who wears glasses. Glasses makes their faces look different. Something's different but cool. And I found something in him.

I do like having a crush on someone silently. Without telling all of my feelings to my friends or families. I'd like to keep them but - I don't want these secrets about having a crush on someone scare me to death. What if I die, and these secrets keep sticking in mine? I want to share these things - who doesn't? - I mean, if someday I die and I am sure I will die - soon, at least somebody had known these. My secrets, my random thoughts, my feelings and if they want - they can tell my secrets to someone, whose always there as a main actor in my secrets.

Okay, so back to someone-whom-I-have-a-crush-on. I wouldn't have known his name if my friend wouldn't have told me. I keep remembering. That was Thursday. I was having final tests. Me and my friends were sitting in the corridor while he came. Him, tote a red bag with superman's logo on his back. He walked away. Passed us. I looked at him. I looked at his back, I said something that I couldn't remember clearly and my friend whom sat beside me said, "Namanya Kak Irfan. Dia alumni SMP 11, tau," I shocked. I turned my body and I faced her. I gave her an I-really-want-to-fucking-know-him-as-best's face. She talked to me. She said he was kind and he was funny. I was happy. I finally knew his name! I was happy!

***

My friend said, she often replied each other's tweets with him. I was under control and said, almost scream, "Dia punya twitter? Apa namanya?" Then she said that she was forgot. She told me that I can find his twitter's profile on her followers. I was at home. I turned up my computer, connected the modem and I started browsing. I stalked my friend's followers to find my crush's twitter's name. And I found his profile. So I stalked his twitter's profile.

And these're what I've got:

- He likes JKT 48
- He hates cockroaches
- He likes anime, manga and Japanese's stuffs

Stalked his profile became a daily routine for me. I stalked his profile. Once, I tweeted something about him and I forgot what were they (hahaha) and my friend mentioned his name. Screwed me! I looked so freaking desperate. I was sweating. My heart was beating so fucking fast. My hands suddenly being cold. I was mad and by that time, I realized, why should I getting mad? I mean, I'm having a crush on him. Why should I? Is there any reason? Yeah, should I getting mad? No.

He replied my tweets. I didn't even have a brave to look at my tab mention. This was awkward.

After months, when I stalked his profile again, I was knowing that he already had a girlfriend. A girl with middle-east's face. I was speechless. Okay, there is no more stalky stalker. It was enough. And after weeks, when I stalked his profile (again), they broke up. I shocked.

So I decided to not became a stalky stalker. I would always stalked his profile, of course :p but I wouldn't make it as a daily routine for me. Oh, I made a  blog post about him too. That post was talking about poems. Yes, I made some poems for him.

Months are passed. I still write a lot. I write about him too. But mostly on Twitter. And my friend keep teasing on me. Frontal attitudes, yeah, it's normal. I mean, when you had a crush on someone and you sharing with your friend, I am pretty sure that she/he couldn't take it to teasing us. And so did she.

Whenever I walked with my friends and we met him, there was always one person who keep teasing me. They greeted him, "Kak Irfan, dapet salam dari Dwi Ayu" you can predict how red my face was. Poker face at the moment. Don't know what to do. And when he passed us away and make sure that he wouldn't able to see us again, I yelled, almost scream, "OMG, ada kak Irfaaaaaaaaaaan!" I yelled that. It sucks.

It happened more than once. Even more than twice. My friend told me this. "Lan tadi gue ketemu kak Irfan, trus gue bilang, 'kak dapet salam dari Dwi Ayu' trus kak Irfan bilang 'salam balik dah'."

WHAT IF YOUR CRUSH SAID THIS TO YOUR FRIENDS, AND YOUR FRIENDS TOLD YOU. INDIRECTLY, YOUR CRUSH SAID "HI" TO YOU. Oh my God.

By that time, I felt that I was the luckiest girl, ever.

***

I keep tweeting about him. Without mention his twitter's profile, of course. And my life was easy 2 days ago. Until...,

My friend - like usual, mentioned his twitter's profile. She kept telling him that I liked him. Okay, that's the truth. I'm not a hypocrite. She also gave him a link address which would bring him to my blog post about him. A post with poems about him. For Heaven's sake, I felt soooooo damn ashamed. That heart attacked was back.

I kept praying. God, please, don't make him feel bad after seeing my blog post. God, please, I don't need his criticism. I need something good from his mouth. God, please...

God finally had answered my prays.

He tweeted something. Yeah, something that successfully made me smile all day long. Even until now, I keep smiling when I remember about yesterday.

Thank you, Kak. I feel so blessed because I have known you, as a crush, and as a stranger :)

***

Hey, I am the future writer. I'm not dating you. But I write about you.

What is that mean?

***

nb: @benzbara_ isn't his twitter account's name. His name is started with "I".

I?

I for...

I like you?

***

Past(s)

Pernah nggak sih kalian punya suatu memori, lalu memori itu perlahan-lahan mulai kalian lupakan, berbaur dengan setumpuk memori-memori lain yang memang seharusnya dilupakan?

Pernah dan punya, pasti.

Seiring berjalannya waktu, memori-memori itu sudah terlupakan. Tetapi masih meninggalkan bekas di sudut. Tapi kalian percaya kalau memori-memori itu akan menghilang dengan sendirinya. Tanpa harus meninggalkan bekas di sudut. Ada yang bersusah payah, mati-matian untuk menghapus memori itu, tapi ada juga yang santai-santai saja.

Suatu ketika, hampir tigaperempat sebuah memori masa lalu sudah terhapus dari dalam benak saya. Sejauh itu, saya tenang-tenang saja. Sabar, seperempat lagi. Begitu yang saya katakan pada diri saya berulang-ulang kali. Dan meskipun memori itu sudah terhapus seluruhnya, tetapi tetap saja akan meninggalkan bekas di sudut.

Apalagi kalau memori itu datang kembali.

Bekasnya tidak hanya tertinggal di sudut. Tapi akan melebar kemana-mana. Partikel-partikel kecil dari tigaperempat memori yang sudah terlupakan itu akan kembali menguap. Melepaskan diri mereka masing-masing. Berlarian, membentuk memori-memori baru. Semakin sulit.

Semakin sulit untuk diterima dan semakin sulit untuk dilupakan.

Baru-baru ini, memori itu datang lagi. Melepaskan ikatan dari partikel-partikel kecil itu. Membiarkan mereka berlarian dengan bebas.

Saya bingung. Mustahil rasanya berlarian menangkap mereka di antara memori-memori yang kembali hidup.

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nb: Saya mencoba untuk mengambil sisi positif dari partikel memori yang melepaskan diri. Saya berusaha menganggap kalau partikel memori itu adalah ide. Jadi saat partikel itu berlarian dengan bebas, itu berarti ide saya juga mengalir secara liar dan bebas. Lagipula, dengan lepasnya partikel-partikel kecil ini saya menjadi punya kesempatan untuk menulis tentang seseorang yang melepaskan ikatan partikel memori itu, lebih banyak lagi :)