Draft 1

Izinkan aku untuk menulis
agar aku bisa marangkai kata-kata manis
kamuflase dari rindu yang berbaris-baris

*

Jangan pergi jauh-jauh
lihatlah dahimu penuh dengan peluh
sini, duduklah bersamaku
segala dukamu pasti akan luruh

*

Cangkir ini sama seperti kemarin
di dalamnya juga terdapat cairan berkafein
namun rasanya tak sama lagi seperti kemarin
karena kamu pergi - membawa gulaku, membawa rasaku
entah kamu bawa kemana, hanya kamu yang tahu

*

Kamu menangis
padahal isi cangkirku belum habis
kalau begini, bagaimana bisa aku menampung
sisa-sisa gerimis yang turun dari kedua mata seorang sentimentalis?

*

Cure For A Broken Heart

I was having a crush on someone lately and like usual, it didn't get any longer. It happens a lot. Having a crush on someone silently wouldn't get any longer. Right the day after I wrote about him, I knew that he has a girlfriend. I felt so guilty, I mean, he had a girlfriend, for God's sake, I shouldn't have disturbed him.

I'm sorry, Kak.

Anyway, it's been days since I knew that he had a girlfriend. And I feel like, "Oh, yaudah. Dia udah punya pacar. So what?" First, I wasn't that sure if I could through these tough times by knowing my crush already had a girlfriend. But the results were more than I was expecting! I felt free - not being bounce by any silly feelings. I keep continuing my life. With learn something's new. And assume that life is a playground. So I just have to play. I don't have a reason for being sad all the time. But I have a reason why should I have to being happy all the time; Because I'm still young. I know God can take my soul whenever He wanted to. But for now, I just want to enjoy my life. As a teenager. As a cheerful teenager.

I don't have a reason for being sad. And there are so many random things that make me happy and also for cure a broken heart.

1. Reading

I love reading. My parents taught me how to read when I was 3 years old. Passing days without reading any books or stories would be so sucks. When that accident came, I made my self busy with re-read my novels and comics. Lucky me, without knowing that I would having a broken-heart-phase, I bought books last weekend. One novel, two comics. Those books successfully made me laugh and touched. Most of all, reading is all about fun. Fun and entertained.

2. Playing With Pet

About 3 weeks ago, I found a new cat. Her name is Pancake. She's cute! I love playing ball with her. She always makes me laugh and happy. When I stroked her fur, I feel peace. I feel happy. Suddenly, all of my fears are disappear.

3. Eating Something's Sweet

I love something's sweet. Chocolates, candies and cotton-candies. When I eat them all, alone, in my room and listen to the musics, I feel relaxed. I feel like I'm the one who owned the world. There's nothing more sweet than eating those sweet foods. And after all, when I looked myself in mirror, I'm gonna say, "So long, diet."

4. Sleeping

*no explanations* XD

5. Watching Movies

Good movies make my life happy. Whenever I had shitty moods, I always open my movies folder on my PC. Re-watch some good movies or watch some movies I haven't watched. You know, movies-out-of-my-genre. But it's fun. When you out from your genre - your life wouldn't be that monotonous. The movie I've watched lately is This Means War. The movie was good! Unpredictable. And movies such The Hangover and Due date can make me laugh all day. But some movies such Larry Crowne, The Bounty Hunter and Saving Private Ryan always make me cry. I don't know why, those are even not included into sad movie's categories.

Okay, so I just found 5 random things to make me happy. And I'm sure there are still millions random things that can make my days more brighter and fun than before. Sometime, broken heart is fun. It teaches me something that I have to keep on going.

Thank you for being here and read it. Have a nice weekend everyone! x

Indirectly

I'm having a crush on someone lately and yes, it is so damn awesome. It would be more awesome if he admires me back. He was older than me. He's about 1 year older than me. Wearing glasses and he's so freaking chubby. Oh my, He's cute. I'm telling you the truth. He is cute. He's just like Bernard Bear. Actually, I didn't think so but my friend whose having thought that he looked like Bernard Bear. And I just agreed.

I've met him around the school. Canteen, osis's room, school's yard, teachers's room or parking. I didn't know that I would have a silly feeling about him. He wears glasses - I told you once again, and I really like someone who wears glasses. Glasses makes their faces look different. Something's different but cool. And I found something in him.

I do like having a crush on someone silently. Without telling all of my feelings to my friends or families. I'd like to keep them but - I don't want these secrets about having a crush on someone scare me to death. What if I die, and these secrets keep sticking in mine? I want to share these things - who doesn't? - I mean, if someday I die and I am sure I will die - soon, at least somebody had known these. My secrets, my random thoughts, my feelings and if they want - they can tell my secrets to someone, whose always there as a main actor in my secrets.

Okay, so back to someone-whom-I-have-a-crush-on. I wouldn't have known his name if my friend wouldn't have told me. I keep remembering. That was Thursday. I was having final tests. Me and my friends were sitting in the corridor while he came. Him, tote a red bag with superman's logo on his back. He walked away. Passed us. I looked at him. I looked at his back, I said something that I couldn't remember clearly and my friend whom sat beside me said, "Namanya Kak Irfan. Dia alumni SMP 11, tau," I shocked. I turned my body and I faced her. I gave her an I-really-want-to-fucking-know-him-as-best's face. She talked to me. She said he was kind and he was funny. I was happy. I finally knew his name! I was happy!

***

My friend said, she often replied each other's tweets with him. I was under control and said, almost scream, "Dia punya twitter? Apa namanya?" Then she said that she was forgot. She told me that I can find his twitter's profile on her followers. I was at home. I turned up my computer, connected the modem and I started browsing. I stalked my friend's followers to find my crush's twitter's name. And I found his profile. So I stalked his twitter's profile.

And these're what I've got:

- He likes JKT 48
- He hates cockroaches
- He likes anime, manga and Japanese's stuffs

Stalked his profile became a daily routine for me. I stalked his profile. Once, I tweeted something about him and I forgot what were they (hahaha) and my friend mentioned his name. Screwed me! I looked so freaking desperate. I was sweating. My heart was beating so fucking fast. My hands suddenly being cold. I was mad and by that time, I realized, why should I getting mad? I mean, I'm having a crush on him. Why should I? Is there any reason? Yeah, should I getting mad? No.

He replied my tweets. I didn't even have a brave to look at my tab mention. This was awkward.

After months, when I stalked his profile again, I was knowing that he already had a girlfriend. A girl with middle-east's face. I was speechless. Okay, there is no more stalky stalker. It was enough. And after weeks, when I stalked his profile (again), they broke up. I shocked.

So I decided to not became a stalky stalker. I would always stalked his profile, of course :p but I wouldn't make it as a daily routine for me. Oh, I made a  blog post about him too. That post was talking about poems. Yes, I made some poems for him.

Months are passed. I still write a lot. I write about him too. But mostly on Twitter. And my friend keep teasing on me. Frontal attitudes, yeah, it's normal. I mean, when you had a crush on someone and you sharing with your friend, I am pretty sure that she/he couldn't take it to teasing us. And so did she.

Whenever I walked with my friends and we met him, there was always one person who keep teasing me. They greeted him, "Kak Irfan, dapet salam dari Dwi Ayu" you can predict how red my face was. Poker face at the moment. Don't know what to do. And when he passed us away and make sure that he wouldn't able to see us again, I yelled, almost scream, "OMG, ada kak Irfaaaaaaaaaaan!" I yelled that. It sucks.

It happened more than once. Even more than twice. My friend told me this. "Lan tadi gue ketemu kak Irfan, trus gue bilang, 'kak dapet salam dari Dwi Ayu' trus kak Irfan bilang 'salam balik dah'."

WHAT IF YOUR CRUSH SAID THIS TO YOUR FRIENDS, AND YOUR FRIENDS TOLD YOU. INDIRECTLY, YOUR CRUSH SAID "HI" TO YOU. Oh my God.

By that time, I felt that I was the luckiest girl, ever.

***

I keep tweeting about him. Without mention his twitter's profile, of course. And my life was easy 2 days ago. Until...,

My friend - like usual, mentioned his twitter's profile. She kept telling him that I liked him. Okay, that's the truth. I'm not a hypocrite. She also gave him a link address which would bring him to my blog post about him. A post with poems about him. For Heaven's sake, I felt soooooo damn ashamed. That heart attacked was back.

I kept praying. God, please, don't make him feel bad after seeing my blog post. God, please, I don't need his criticism. I need something good from his mouth. God, please...

God finally had answered my prays.

He tweeted something. Yeah, something that successfully made me smile all day long. Even until now, I keep smiling when I remember about yesterday.

Thank you, Kak. I feel so blessed because I have known you, as a crush, and as a stranger :)

***

Hey, I am the future writer. I'm not dating you. But I write about you.

What is that mean?

***

nb: @benzbara_ isn't his twitter account's name. His name is started with "I".

I?

I for...

I like you?

***

Past(s)

Pernah nggak sih kalian punya suatu memori, lalu memori itu perlahan-lahan mulai kalian lupakan, berbaur dengan setumpuk memori-memori lain yang memang seharusnya dilupakan?

Pernah dan punya, pasti.

Seiring berjalannya waktu, memori-memori itu sudah terlupakan. Tetapi masih meninggalkan bekas di sudut. Tapi kalian percaya kalau memori-memori itu akan menghilang dengan sendirinya. Tanpa harus meninggalkan bekas di sudut. Ada yang bersusah payah, mati-matian untuk menghapus memori itu, tapi ada juga yang santai-santai saja.

Suatu ketika, hampir tigaperempat sebuah memori masa lalu sudah terhapus dari dalam benak saya. Sejauh itu, saya tenang-tenang saja. Sabar, seperempat lagi. Begitu yang saya katakan pada diri saya berulang-ulang kali. Dan meskipun memori itu sudah terhapus seluruhnya, tetapi tetap saja akan meninggalkan bekas di sudut.

Apalagi kalau memori itu datang kembali.

Bekasnya tidak hanya tertinggal di sudut. Tapi akan melebar kemana-mana. Partikel-partikel kecil dari tigaperempat memori yang sudah terlupakan itu akan kembali menguap. Melepaskan diri mereka masing-masing. Berlarian, membentuk memori-memori baru. Semakin sulit.

Semakin sulit untuk diterima dan semakin sulit untuk dilupakan.

Baru-baru ini, memori itu datang lagi. Melepaskan ikatan dari partikel-partikel kecil itu. Membiarkan mereka berlarian dengan bebas.

Saya bingung. Mustahil rasanya berlarian menangkap mereka di antara memori-memori yang kembali hidup.

***

nb: Saya mencoba untuk mengambil sisi positif dari partikel memori yang melepaskan diri. Saya berusaha menganggap kalau partikel memori itu adalah ide. Jadi saat partikel itu berlarian dengan bebas, itu berarti ide saya juga mengalir secara liar dan bebas. Lagipula, dengan lepasnya partikel-partikel kecil ini saya menjadi punya kesempatan untuk menulis tentang seseorang yang melepaskan ikatan partikel memori itu, lebih banyak lagi :)

David Choi - Valentines (Original)

I see a couple strollin' down the street
They're so in love,
There is not a worry
And to the clock they said goodbye
They ain't in a hurry

And sometimes I feel kind of lonely
Ask myself where is my one and only
Until she comes to me, I'll wait
Until then I shouldn't be feeling this way

Won't let no Valentine's get me down
Or when Christmas time comes around
Just cuz I'm alone right now
Don't mean I should hold a frown

Oh in the meantime love is here you'll find
The simple things that slip your mind
The joy of hope for better days
You know that love can find its ways

When you finally find the one who you can call your own
You can tell yourself the wait was worth it all
Cuz you got something here to last forever

I can smile cuz there's so much in store
The future holds for me more than I will ever know
Shouldn't make no room for feeling sad

Won't let no Valentine's get me down
Or when Christmas time comes around
Just cuz I'm alone right now
Don't mean I should hold a frown

Oh in the meantime love is here you'll find
The simple things that slip your mind
The joy of hope for better days
You know that love can find its ways

Won't let no Valentine's get me down
Or when Christmas time comes around
Just cuz I'm alone right now
Don't mean I should hold a frown

Oh in the meantime love is here you'll find
The simple things that slip your mind
The joy of hope for better days
You know that love can find its ways

I saw this video from David Choi's official facebook page and I really like it. Especially stop-motions that he made, and the lyrics :3

X.3

I've been in so many classes. Counted up when I was in kindergarten, middle school, junior high and now, I'm on my first year in senior high. It was so unpredictable. So many things unpredictable had came. The lessons, friends, teachers and crushes ;p. The atmosphere of my first year in senior high is so damn awesome. I've learnt what life and friendship was about. Though, I should keep learning to find out who really am I. Many people said that Senior-High-Memories are unforgettable. I might agree with that statement.

First time I entered my first class in my first year in high school, my silly mind had came out with these negative thoughts. I thought that my friends in my fist year in senior high were rude. I thought I would had no friends. We must fought by ourselves to reach the best goals. I had no time to having a chit-chat about friend, personal life, even love. I thought we were separated. We were separated by 'something.' I thought, I thought, I thought...,

....... Gosh, I had a sickest mind. And I was wrong. Very wrong.

As I said in first paragraph, the atmosphere of my first year in high school is so damn awesome. My first chair-mate was Amal. We were in a same junior high but we haven't known each other. She was smart. She was perfectionist. She was fun. We've had so many laughs. And we've had so many debates :p

Then I met Artha, Nadia, Cici, Tio, Ismi, Nikita and Alfiana. Alfiana is our class-leader. They were nice. Very nice. They ARE very nice. And there are Dwizul, Farah, Nadhila, Gavin, Yayan, Revin, Toni, Eka, Reza, Papay; our koko :)), Hapsari, Ani, Adhimas; (he's so freakin' quiet!), Sani (he's so attractive. He always kicks everything what appears on his way), Alvin (we called him Kumis, though he had shaved his mustache haha!), Ekky; our beautiful-boy :3, Dio; our 'bayi sehat', Bagas; he's so tall! We called him 'jangkung' or 'bacul'. (I still have no idea what was bacul mean..), Andrean; our big boss :) he's funny and entertained. I adore him. He always makes us all laugh. Thank you for that, Adul! :D (we called him Adul though), Dicky; nah. He's funny too. His blak-blakan words are so damn funny!, Zuliyanto; he's a drummer and a vocalist in my class. He has so many nickname. Panjul, wedang, drummer, vocalist, Anto and Oom. He's good and he's fun.

All students in my class are mostly banci-cameras. Whenever somebody was taking a photo of his/herself, about one, two, three or four students were came and join 'em. One shoot wouldn't get enough. We will wanted more and more. But the results weren't that disappointed. The results were nice. Our suddenly expressions made the results become awesome.

I really love this class. Moreover, we have a beautiful and kind-hearted teacher, Bunda Hikmah. She's very nice. We adore her so much :) For this time, I really don't wanna out of this class. I love this class. I love the member of this class. I love the instruments. I love the atmosphere inside the class. I feel loved. I feel happy. I feel something unexplained. In fact, I had deeply in love with this class.

It enters the second semester. Mid-test will be held on the next middle March. On June, we will take the final exams. By July, we will get separated. Second year in senior high. We will take the different ways and tracks...,

We will leave this memorial-class.

This is our beautiful mother, Bunda Hikmah :) This photo was took when we celebrated Bunda's Birthday.

The girls in X.3. Look at Bunda's eyes. They winked! XD

The boys in X.3. Oh, what a happy day it was :))

Photo session before we fought in POR (Pekan Olahraga PGRI) what a tiring day. So much make-up were poked on our faces :)

We meet, we find the perfections together, we separated. That is the cycle.

But we must keep on going. These memories wouldn't be fade from our mind. Just promise us :)

Everybody Needs Someone To Talk With

Beberapa bulan yang lalu, saudara saya datang ke rumah saya untuk mengurus beberapa berkas-berkas pindah rumah yang belum selesai. Beliau datang ke rumah saya dengan anaknya yang paling kecil. Guntur namanya. Sedikit cerita, saudara saya ini sudah ditinggal meninggal oleh suaminya. Beliau mempunyai 4 orang anak. Yang paling besar seumuran dengan saya (kelahiran tahun 1997) dan yang paling kecil mungkin sekitar 5-6 tahun. Beliau tinggal di daerah Jombang, Jawa Timur dengan saudaranya yang lain. Saudara saya ini tinggal terpisah dengan anak-anaknya. Anak yang pertama sekolah di daerah Surabaya, yang kedua dan yang ketiga dimasukkan ke dalam Pondok dan yang terakhir ikut bersama beliau. Beliau ini pernah bercerita kepada saya sampai menangis tentang keluarganya dan saya tersentuh.

Beliau bercerita tentang kehidupannya yang sekarang dengan anaknya yang hidup terpisah. Beliau sampai menangis karena beliau bilang beliau nggak punya siapa-siapa buat diajak ngobrol di sana. Beliau juga sedih dengan kelakuan anak-anaknya yang suka membangkang padahal dulu anaknya tidak seperti itu. Setahu saya mereka semua itu penurut di bawah didikan ayahnya. Tapi sekarang sudah berubah, katanya. Anaknya yang pertama jadi suka main warnet melampaui batas. Bahkan beliau pernah menemukan beberapa batang rokok di lemari baju anaknya waktu beliau datang berkunjung ke Surabaya.

Jadi... Seperti kalimat yang sudah saya bold di atas, (sepertinya) semua orang itu butuh seseorang untuk diajak bicara dari hati-ke-hati. Masa?

Menurut saya begitu. Meskipun saya ini tipikal orang yang jarang sekali curhat dari hati-ke-hati dengan seseorang karena saya berpikir kalau, "these are my problems. I can solve them by my self." (Terdengar sok sekali ternyata setelah saya pikir-pikir :| ) Tapiiiiii jarang itu bukan berarti nggak pernah dong? Saya pernah curhat, kok. Meskipun bisa dihitung jari hasil curhatan saya yang dari hati-ke-hati. Dan saya kurang suka dengan membeberkan masalah pribadi saya dengan seseorang. Pun keluarga atau teman dekat saya sendiri. Saya lebih suka memendam semuanya. (tak jarang saya juga ikutan menyiksa diri sendiri karena hal ini hahaha) tapi rasa-rasanya, lebih aman menyimpan semua ini sendiri. Lebih aman dan lebih mudah. Ya, mudah. Setidaknya saya tidak perlu berbicara pada orang lain atau menjawab pertanyaan dari orang yang saya ajak curhat itu. Saya tidak perlu memutar otak. Tidak perlu menangis dan mengeluarkan segenap emosi-emosi saya untuk bercerita.

Tapi jika saya memendamnya, ceritanya lain lagi. Saya mungkin akan lebih lelah secara mental. Tapi saya tidak perlu membebankan orang lain, kan? Cukup membebankan diri sendiri eh, tapi saya juga tidak terlalu terbebani, kok.

Saya senang memendam sesuatu. Perasaan, rahasia, apapun. Karena saya bisa menikmatinya sendirian. Seutuhnya. Tanpa ada secuil pun yang harus saya bagi. Tapi bukan berarti saya tidak suka bercerita dari hati-ke-hati. Saya suka. Tapi saya lebih suka dan saya akan menjadi diri saya sendiri waktu saya bercerita dengan diri saya sendiri. Atau menjadi pendengar untuk seseorang yang bercerita dari hati-ke-hati dengan saya.