Analogi Mentari, Rembulan, dan Gerhana

"Languages are beautiful."

He said this to me one night, and I couldn't agree more. He's a very good friend mine. He is talented. He draws like a God. He writes poem like a God. And he has something in his head that is so powerful. His minds are beautiful, if I have to be honest (if you're reading this, I know you're flattered thanks to my words. You owe me martabak okay).

And this morning, he sent me this. His analogy poem. And it was just beautiful. His words were dancing with the flow. Everything was perfect. And I asked his permission to put it on my blog. He said it was okay, and as a credit title, he wanted to be known as Enola Reverof. That bitch. Mind his a.k.a name, it might take you forever to treasure it (but it only took me minutes to get it. I know I am that awesome).

So here it is. An analogy poem by Enola Reverof. It's written in Bahasa, and translating poems only makes them worst so I choose to let it still in Bahasa.

Here, feel the words dancing and leaving that "Enola-Reverof-you-bitch-why-you-so-good" mark both on your chest and head.

--

Analogi Mentari, Rembulan, dan Gerhana

Hei, sedang apa Nona Matahari?

Apa yang kaupikirkan?

Sorot matamu hangat. Kucoba tunjukkan pada dunia, mereka tidak mengerti

Karena ketidakmampuanku menyampaikan sinar kehidupanmu,

Aku hanya jadi segumpal cahaya dingin di gelap malam

Bagaimana aku bisa mendampingimu, menyentuhmu, berdiri sejajar denganmu?

Cinta ini tak pantas

Biarkan aku memandangimu dari jauh

Hei, sedang apa, Bulan?

Hari ini seperti biasa aku bersemangat

Apa yang kaupikirkan?

Aku selalu memperhatikanmu,

Kenapa kau selalu dingin?

Aku tak ingin melihatmu seperti itu,

Tapi aku tak cukup hangat untuk mencairkan perasaanmu, kurasa

Atau mungkin dunia berlari ke arahmu

Karena bosan dengan panasku?

Karenanya aku hanya jadi sesuatu yang tidak dinantikan

Bagaimana aku bisa mendampingimu, menyentuhmu, berdiri sejajar denganmu?

Cinta ini salah

Biarkan aku memandangimu dari jauh

Hei, hari ini seperti ada yang berbeda

Matahari seperti tersipu

Ada tamu?

Mungkin gumpalan awan yang mengurai cahayanya

Tetapi tak seperti biasanya, matahari tak sama ceria,

Tapi hangat meski berbeda

Rupanya Bulan

Ia bertamu ke Siang, singgasana Sang Mentari,

Untuk sekadar bertemu sesaat

Bak sepasang kekasih yang lama tak jumpa,

Mereka bertatap muka bertemu mata,

Kita di Bumi pun tak sanggup berbuat apa-apa

Siapa yang segan mencegah pertemuan takdir yang indah tak berperikan ini?

Bahkan beberapa di antara kita memperingatinya

Dengan beribadah menghadap kiblat,

Penuh harap akan hadirnya hari-hari berikutnya,

Di mana mereka suatu saat akan bertemu kembali,

Dan menyaksikan kisah cinta pedih

Yang menawan ini

--

Dan andai saja saat itu aku mengenakan kacamata hitam saat melihatmu singgah ke singgasana Sang Mentari...

***

(Dis)comforting Sound

I crave for someone's voice.

Someone's voice that calling my name whenever I lost in nowhere (or more often in my own thoughts). Someone's voice that singing me a song. Someone's voice that yelling at me because I've done something wrong.

I crave for someone's voice.

Ironically, I've been making 'another' voice in my head and pretending that that 'voice' is that someone's voice.

Ultra pathetic, I know. But then again, tell me something I don't know.

I crave for someone's voice, that is willing to prevent me from something wrong. That is willing to tell me that I am worth his everything. That is willing to say that everything's okay when everything's not okay.

I crave for someone's voice. But sadly, what comes after me is only this comforting sound you make.

This comforting sound which is half discomforting.

This comforting sound, which always hits me on the chest, in the stomach, inside my throat, and makes me realize that I will never have that someone's voice. That I will never listen my name is spoken using that someone's voice.

For the thousand times, again, I don't feel alright in spite all of these comforting sounds you make.*

Mew - Comforting Sound

(PS: This song is so good I probably will cry when I listen to this and is on my solitude (cie gitu) but seriously, so comforting, so relaxing, most of all, more pairs of ears need to listen to this song!)

Aku adalah Jarak Antar Aksara

Aku adalah jarak antar aksara

Terpisah, atau mungkin sengaja dipisahkan dari aksara untuk sekadar memenuhi nilai estetika

Aku adalah jarak antar aksara

Barisan rindu yang tak sempat terucap kembali mengalir sendu

lewat celahku yang tak seberapa lebar

Aku adalah jarak antar aksara

Yang menjaga kalian, para aksara, dari segala benturan dan tidak keteraturan

Aku adalah jarak antar aksara

Yang mengantar para aksara menuju pelabuhan terakhir mereka

Aku adalah jarak antar aksara

Yang tidak bisa memilih harus berada di antara aksara yang mana dan yang apa

Aku adalah jarak antar aksara

Yang sesekali ingin berubah menjadi aksara

Agar bisa diperhatikan--disentuh--dirasakan--

                             "... dan agar bisa membentuk suatu kumpulan aksara penuh makna bersamamu."

Aku adalah jarak antar aksara

Yang sudah lelah memisahkan aksara-aksara,

"... padahal aku ingin sekali bersatu dengan aksara; denganmu."

Aku adalah jarak antar aksara

Yang sudah lelah dan

Yang selalu merasa bersalah

Karena selalu memisahkan dan tidak pernah mempersatukan

Aku adalah jarak antar aksara

Yang selalu diam dalam suatu interval

Aku adalah jarak antar aksara

Yang ingin kalian, para aksara, bersatu

Walau aku, jarak, harus rela tergerus

Oleh karet penghapus

Dan akhirnya

Pupus

Ah, tapi siapalah aku;

Hanya jarak antar aksara

Yang hanya bisa mengucap rindu dalam diam dan interval

Yang sesekali ingin menjelma menjadi aksara agar dapat bersanding denganmu;

Aksara yang paling aksara

Lalu aku sadar,

"Tetapi, hidup selalu punya tetapi."*

---

*Kutipan Aan Mansyur dalam novelnya, Lelaki Terakhir yang Menangis di Bumi

- (4)

This is not actually the first time I recorded something and uploaded it on internet, but it still feels weird. Not talking about you but because actually this record *has* something to do with you so I guess, I feel, ... still weird.

Pardon my voice, and not quite-fit-intonations. I might ruin the whole poems (I guess I really did), but who cares. I recorded it for 2 days straight, waiting for the perfect record to be uploaded on the internet, and guess what, none of these records is perfect.

None.

And that's okay. It's just like our love-life, isn't it? Far from perfect, but still flowing.

---

Credits to him, all the beautiful poems I just read were from his old blog titled "Reassessing Eskapisme #1" and "..dan kau pun datang membakar dengan canggung".

If the video doesn't work, here's the link.

Buat Salma

Cie yang tanggal 3 Oktober tadi ulang tahun.

Gue ngucapinnya telat, ya? He. Bodo amat. Yang penting ngucapin.

Asik udah 18 tahun sekarang umurnya. Udah boleh nikah. Terus membesarkan anak di Puncak Merbabu. Mantap.

Asik udah 18 tahun sekarang umurnya. Udah bukan sweet seventeen lagi tapi bitter eighteen because sudah semakin tua jadi semakin banyak rintangan hidup yang harus dilewati????

Ga deng. Elo kan strong, ya. Bolak-balik naik turun tangga bawa ember yang isinya air aja kuat, masa angkat beban hidup nggak kuat.

Gue juga strong, sih. Kita kan duo strong.

Strong.

Nama kabupaten di provinsi Papua Barat.

Maaf. Gue masih garing ternyata. Kirain semenjak ditinggal dia gue udah nggak garing lagi. Ternyata masih. Heu.

Kenapa judulnya "Buat Salma"?

Coba tebak. Kalo bener, novel "Lelaki Terakhir Yang Menangis di Bumi" gue buat elo.

GA DENG ENAK AJA ITU GUE BELI JAUH-JAUH DI SENAYAN BIAR DAPET DISKON HNGGGH.

Coba tebak kenapa judulnya "Buat Salma"?

Ding-ding!

Gue juga nggak tau kenapa judulnya itu. Cuma itu yang kepikiran???

Ya Allah. Kebanyakan basa-basi. Kebanyakan alesan. Pantes aku ditinggal. Cry.

Buat Salma,

Halo. Inget nggak pertama kali kita ketemu yang melibatkan kontak mata ((geli ngetiknya ew)) itu di angkot pas pulang sekolah? Terus lo nggak berani nyapa gue gara-gara muka gue judes. Emang dasar nggak tau diri lo dasar belalai panjang milik Bona.

Buat Salma,

Halo lagi. Inget nggak kita disatukan oleh Bu Lusi di kelompok matematika? Kelompok 4. Gue yang jadi ketua kelompok. Ketua kelompok apaan ulangan statistika dapet nilai 60. Cry. Terus lo dapet 100. Terus lo dapet beng-beng max (eh apa silver queen?) dari Bu Lusi. Gue mupeng. Hhhh.

Buat Salma,

Halo lagi. Inget nggak percakapan pertama kita tentang novel? Lo modus gitu nanya-nanya gue punya novel ini apa engga, tau novel anu apa engga. Terus kita tukeran novel. Hhh ftv sekali.

Buat Salma,

Halo lagi. Inget nggak kita satu kelompok (lagi) di tugas film. Bosen tau nggak. Ew. Terus dengan excuse kalo kita nggak mau tampil di depan kamera, kita lebih milih jadi scriptwriter. Kalo diinget-inget lagi agak gimana gitu, ya. Terus syuting di Grand Wisata (tae gue ngakak ngetiknya), terus lo nemu belalang (apa cencorang??? Gue nggak bisa bedain????) di lapangan samping ruko. Lo bawa pulang. Dikasih makan duku. Eh apa kelengkeng? Terus dinamain siapa itu--Gonzales?

Buat Salma,

Halo lagi. Dulu kita ngomongnya masih pake aku-kamu, ya? Ini sebenernya geli kalo diinget-inget lagi. Tapi gpp. Mending diinget-inget lagi. Daripada dilupain. Itu nggak enak. Apalagi kalo udah deket banget sampe kode sana-sini. Eh nggak taunya malah nggak jadi. Asem emang.

Buat Salma,

Waktu Jakarta Book Fair tahun 2014 kita hedon banget, ya. Sampe nabung di tabung Pringles. Terus segala ditulis, "Demi Masa Depan Yang Lebih Baik" di tube-nya. Dapet 70 ribu dalam kurun waktu berapa--2 minggu, ya? Subhanallah. Alhamdulillah bisa beli buku di sana.

Buat Salma,

Waktu kelas 3 kita semakin liar, ya. Imajinasi kita makin ke mana-mana. (HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA) Apalagi kalo abis sholat Ashar di mushala sekolah. Emang kita nggak tau diri sih. Abis sholat bukannya tadarusan, lah ini malah berfantasi. Mending yang bagus-bagus. Lah ini. Hnggh.

Buat Salma,

Inget nggak kita pulang sekolah jam setengah 6 sore. Ngapain? Belajar. Ghibah juga sih. Dikit. Ngulang soal-soal buat kuis minggu depan. Ngabisin kertas HVS persediaan kelas cuma buat ngitung integral yang satu soal jawabannya bisa sampe satu halaman penuh. (Engga sih, ini gue doang ya bikos you know I tidak suka hitung-hitungan menggunakan pensil dan selalu menggunakan pulpen jadinya selalu penuh coretan) (Sombong)

Buat Salma,

Cie jadi orang pertama yang lulus kuis Matematika Pak Hamzah. Terus keluar. Disenyumin Pak Hamzah. Liat Pak Hamzah langkah tegap maju niruin anggota Paskibra yang lagi latihan di bawah. TERUS GUE JADI ORANG KETIGA YANG LULUS. HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA TERUS GUE NANGIS SAKING BAHAGIANYA???????

Buat Salma,

Buku Wreck This Journal-nya masih gue simpen. Belum semuanya diisi. Ya abis partner in crime buat wreck the journal-nya udah keburu bahagia sama yang lain. (Hah) Makasih, ya, kadonya. Drama banget ew ngasihnya di tengah jalan sambil nunggu angkot.

Buat Salma,

Kita pernah bikin kontingen buat POR di kelas sampe maghrib. Ngelukisnya pake cat, saking artsy-nya, ngecat-nya nggak pake kuas. Pake jari. Abis itu nggak mau cuci tangan. Gue sampe diliatin orang-orang di angkot. Mantap.

Buat Salma,

Kita jadi ketua kelompok kimia. H-sekian presentasi Kimia terakhir, kita makan mie ayam terus di kantin. Pake sambel yang banyak. Alesannya? Biar pas presentasi gastritis kita kambuh. Terus kitanya nggak presentasi. Anak buah kita yang presentasi. Bodo amat. Lagian yang kerja cuma ketuanya doang. Kan kzl.

Tapi akhirnya gastritis kita nggak kambuh dan tetep presentasi. Asem.

Buat Salma,

Galau masalah pria? Basi. Kita galau masalah SNMPTN. Tapi akhirnya tetep nggak keterima juga sih. Yha.

Buat Salma,

Makin ke sini makin sedikit ya ceritanya abis gue bingung kalo harus nulis ulang kehidupan SMA kita yang laknat???? Susah????? Mending disimpen sendiri kan????

Iyain aja biar cepet.

Buat Salma,

Selamat ulang tahun! Semoga panjang umur dan sehat selalu. Dimudahkan segala urusannya. Nggak ambyar lagi. Nggak gampang sensi lagi. Semoga bisa membahagiakan semua orang yang memang pantas untuk dibahagiakan. Jangan lupa bersyukur. Jangan lupa bahagia. Jangan lupa kalo lo nggak sendirian di sini. Semoga bisa pulang ke rumah yang tepat dengan segera, ya :p Semoga bisa terwujud #SalmaSixPack2016 #SalmaJadiPolwan2016 uwuwuwuw doaku bersamamu.

Makasih hari Selasa 2 tahun yang lalu lo nyapa gue duluan--bukan nyapa ding. Ngajak ngobrol gue duluan. Nanya-nanya tentang novel which was why aku sungguh bahagia akhirnya ada juga teman seperjuangan yang suka baca novel???

Makasih udah mau jadi anggota di Kelompok 4 Matematika. Makasih udah mau nerima gue jadi ketua kelompok padahal gue nggak bener orangnya gradakan so slengean so gampang salting.

Makasih udah mau kerja bareng jadi scriptwriter meskipun gue kerjanya wow so berantakan HAHAHAHAHAHA MAAF AKU TIDAK BECUS MEMBUAT SKENARIO MAKANYA KEHIDUPAN ASMARAKU JADI SEPERTI INI SEKARANG HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHASEDIH

Makasih udah mau menerima segala kekurangan gue. Kalo misalkan ada lebihnya, simpen aja gpp. Buat kenang-kenangan.

Makasih udah mau jadi temen gue selama ini. Susah bareng, ngakak bareng, pusing bareng, lulus bareng, nangis bareng, ambyar bareng. Hmm.

Makasih udah mau jadi menuruti ego gue dan memakluminya. Makasih udah bertahan selama 2 tahun terakhir (semoga bisa sampe tahun-tahun berikutnya he). Makasih udah ngasih saran, makasih udah mau denger segala curhatan gue, makasih udah maki-maki gue kalo gue salah + begonya kambuh.

Nggak tau lagi mau nulis apa. Bingung. Kadonya nanti ya, nyusul kalo gue udah punya duit sendiri. (Doain makanya mudah-mudahan gue bisa dapet murid bulan-bulan ini HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH DASAR DEMANDING PANTESAN DITINGGAL HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA)

Dah ah. Nggak tau lagi.

Gue ngucapinnya udah paling telat belum? Udah kan, ya? Ok. Love you to the Pluto and get lost!

Foto aib. Gpp. Lucu. Ngapain jaim. Yaela. Blog gue juga nggak ada yang baca ini kan. Masnya pergi udah lama nggak tau ke mana jadi nggak ada yang singgah di sini lagi. Hm. Lho ini ada Agus di belakang. Gpp. Makin lucu. Ok. Bye.

A(n) (In)direct Letter For You

Hello. For whoever who reads it, this post might be a long one. And sucks. And who cares. I hope you read this. Because this one, again, is for you. And I'd like to apologize first in an advance.

I am sorry.

-----

I know I hurt you. And just like people say that regret always comes so late (and unfortunately it fucking does), I feel so dumb. For wasting opportunities that should have been great if I took them but I just didn’t.

You are a grown man. And I guess I also am a grown woman (seriously? I am only 18 years old by the time I write this.) You feel. I feel. You have feelings. I do have too. And sometimes, feelings fuck. They fuck each other. Those feeling—either a good or a bad ones—fuck—then another fucked up feeling being born. That fucked up feeling turned out to be a very worst possibility. Way too worse than anxiety, from being forgotten, being unloved, being ignored, from being hurt.

And I know I hurt you. Like, a lot. Trust me I didn’t mean it. Let me be brutally honest here. I’ve never ever been in this situation before where feelings and logic keep fucking and make another ‘what-if’ being born. I’ve never felt something like this (okay perhaps I have but this one was too strong I couldn’t handle????)

And I am sorry.

Sorry is not enough, I know.

No I’m not gonna blame myself for not being a verbal person because fuck you, self, this is not what we’re gonna confess about damnit.

I was confused. I still am. Because fuck feelings, right?

I write this post because I know I hurt you. You may not tell, but I know. I love people who don’t express their feelings and emotions right away because observing people is fun. Observing you included. I know what kind of people are you by the way you write. By the way you type. The way you speak. The way you take photos and write story behind them. I know. I just don’t tell. Just like you.

We’ve been hurt, okay? Not exactly being hurt in quite some same aspects but we’ve been hurt. No wonder. You ever hurt me. Not as straight as the way I hurt you, and I might be childish by thinking that you hurt me where in fact you didn’t. You were too nice to me. You treated me like I was your favorite pet. But I hurt anyway.

I know you’re reading this. And you might be wondering is this you in this writing is really you or another you. Yes, this post is meant for you. Yes, you. My muse. My kryptonite. My 2 a.m. thought.

This open letter I write actually is the most non-effective-way-to-apologize but at least I tried.

I tried my ass.

Write all my regrets down is probably the best thing I can do right now. Because I know you read. I don’t know if I was still your favorite writer or no but again, I tried.

I may hurt you. Many times. I played with your feelings. I doubted your seriousness. What else. Oh, I declined everything. I was a demanding bitch (oh wait I still am). I pretended that nothing happened between us where in fact there was always something between us.

So, take me back? When you do, you’ll no longer be my 2 a.m. thought. You’ll be my every-hour thought.

Just kidding.

Take me back, so I will try to fix you.

Wait, that line is already taken by Coldplay.

Take me back, I will be right here waiting for you.

Damn it, you thief. Already taken by Richard Marx.

Take me back, or you don’t you have to, at all.

Seriously, take it or leave it. I don't mind.

As long as you are okay, then that would be enough. (Point plus if you finally have another human being who is able to make you smile and laugh more often.)

Yes, you don’t have to take me back. Just let this thing be just the way it is, shall we?

Then I’ll no longer feel any insecurity creeps myself out when it comes to you.

I’ll no longer feel that this all is my fault.

Speaking of fault, the fault in our stars—ding-ding!—should have been “The Fault in Nastar".

OH LOOK I AM TRYING TO BE FUNNY BUT I FAILED.

Okay. I’ll stop. I hope you’re laughing by reading this. Or at least giggling. But smiling would do too. Because I miss the way I could make you laugh back then.

Laugh often. Smile often. And I promise I will write often.

Okay, not mostly write about you, but I will.

Just either give or leave me wonderful stories about us and I will write them down.

Do everything good, with or without me, okay?

Smile. Please. I'm begging you. Please. Smile. I love your smile. Yes. That smile. Oh my God. Keep smiling. Wait where is my camera—shit the battery is low—wait!—damnit now this thing is not working!—hey, we should take a selfie once our meeting is not declined again, okay?

***

You; My 2 a.m. Thought

not 2 a.m. yet
still 12 a.m.
but should I wait
in 2 hours full of longing
so that I am
capable to say

I
      miss
                 you
                             ?
no I cannot
wait
any longer

***

these yearnings are unstoppable
so is time
the clock that I've been taking a glance at constantly for an hour while I write this post
keeps on ticking
because
it will take me to you;
my 2 a.m. thought

***